Over my Head

While I'm a Raleigh Fellow, I am required to write at least one blog post per month for our Fellows blog. I know this is a little late, but here is my blog post for September (written at the beginning of the month)...

"At this point, I’ve been in Raleigh for exactly 5 days. Well, more like 2 days if you account for the 3-day orientation retreat in Atlantic Beach. If I could describe the start of my Fellows year in a phrase, I would say I’m “drinking out of a fire hose.” Is that something people say? I don’t know, but that’s definitely how I feel. The past 5 days have been amazing- I’ve met the other 9 Fellows in my class, moved into my host home, met the pastors at Church of the Apostles, and met many members of the Fellows Community. I’ve also been attempting to learn my way around Raleigh, find my place in this new community, memorize the Fellows handbook (just kidding, but I do enjoy the binder- organization makes me very happy), and figure out simple things like where I should get gas for my car and what to do when my GPS loses satellite connection. It’s been absolutely fantastic, and I’ve felt so incredibly welcomed and loved by the Apostles community. But, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a lot. It’s a lot. A blessing, but a lot.

The first day of the program, after the welcome dinner ended, all of the Fellows climbed into 2 cars and headed for Atlantic Beach. I’d say we arrived around 12:30ish. Now, this girl is a grandma at heart, so I was ready to be in bed around 10:30. I was so glad we had finally arrived, and I was ready to make a mad dash for the bed. It seems the other Fellows had another plan- a nighttime beach swim. Well, I was ready to opt out until I realized that literally every other person was going to the beach. I didn’t want to be THAT person on the first day (I’ll save that for later), so I put on my swimsuit and headed out the door. Side note- I don’t really do adventurous things such as this if left to my own devices. I like safe and calm and predictable things that can be planned out and thought through…again, my grandma heart is truly committed to the stereotype.

Well, as soon as we got to the beach, everybody jumped right in. I thought I’d just stand on the shore and watch. I mean, at least I was out there in my swimsuit. In my mind, several victories had already been won, and I didn’t feel the need to push it any further. That lasted maybe 5 minutes until Annie (another Fellow) noticed that I was still standing on the shore, and she pretty much tackled me and pulled me into the water with her. I was literally in over my head.

But as I played in the water underneath the patchwork sky that night, with all the other Fellows around, I saw the symbolism. I came on this journey to Raleigh with many reservations and fears of my own- things that are holding me back from experiencing the life that God intends for me to live. Let me share one of the verses that God laid on my heart for this year:

Isaiah 43:18-19

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

And as I look back on that first night as a Fellow, I see in a very tangible way how God’s heart truly is for me to let go of the ways of the past- the fears and the reservations and all of it- and open my empty hands to this new journey. Many times this year, I hope to have the courage to jump in- to be over my head in opportunities and adventures and the grace of God which is new every morning and never runs out. But for all those times when I’m too afraid to jump, I know God will provide someone to push me in (thanks, Annie!)."