I May Be Weak, BUT...

May I confess something to you?

I'm a wimp when it comes to LOTS of things. Of course there's all the givens: snakes, spiders, heights, darkness, storms, public speaking, noises in the middle of the night. Then there's the weird things: not showering, having an alternate personality and not knowing about it (because technically the two personalities wouldn't know each other exist...just sayin'), getting my fingers sliced in an ice rink by a skating blade...I could go on, but you get the sad, sad picture.

Then there's the serious things: never having a family, failing in my future career, losing someone I love.

I think the Bible says something about this. Hmmm...

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

2 Timothy 1:7
For God did not give us a spirit of [fear], but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.

Sometimes when I read those verses, especially 2 Timothy 1:7, I think that maybe God forgot to give me a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. After all, my spirit feels pretty much like a spirit of fear.

In fact, I'd say that fear in its many forms (anxiety, stress, etc.) is the biggest giant in my life. And I wonder sometimes where God is in my struggle. Can you relate to me? Do you ever wonder where God is when you're facing your giant for the billionth time...only to fail...again?

Well, the cool thing about God is that He sometimes uses some creative teaching methods. In the Bible, He often used parables (stories) to teach a spiritual lesson or truth instead of always preaching.

This summer, God used real-life parables to teach me about fear and about myself. What I mean by that is that I got to live out some real-life spiritual truths instead of just hearing about them. And it was awesome.

As I mentioned in my first post, I worked at Deer Run Christian Camps this summer as a camp counselor. Well, before all the kiddos arrived at camp, the staff had two weeks to get to know one another, train, and try out all of the activities we would be facilitating for the rest of the summer, such as: horseback riding, high ropes, low ropes, climbing tower, leap of faith, lake, zipline, crafts, Bible study, archery, BB's, slingshots, field games, etc. If you know me at all, you are probably laughing to yourself just thinking about the fact that I had to try all of these activities.

What HAD I committed myself to? And where is the nearest exit?

I was scared. I couldn't sleep. My stomach was churning all the time. I was overwhelmed. I was ready to run because I don't like failing. And I was sure that I would fail.

But, I didn't run. I just prayed alot. And slowly, I began to calm down. I was actually DOING it (well, except for the horses because apparently I'm pretty allergic... you learn something new every day). First, I did the wall at low ropes (a 12-foot wall that you have to climb over with the help of your teammates), then the zipline, then the leap of faith, then high ropes.

Then I failed at the climbing tower.

The voice in my head told me that I failed because I was weak. I started comparing myself to everyone who climbed to the top. Was I really that pathetic? And it ate away at me all summer.

UNTIL...week 7. I finally asked for another chance (and some help) to climb the tower again. The day finally came, and I was about to simultaneously vomit, poop my pants, and faint. Oh, good. Promising. But, I got a harness and a helmet (and a handful of the most supportive staff family ever), and I got hooked into the ropes.

And I made it to the top. All by myself. And I didn't even make a scene or cry or take an hour. I simply (with lots of encouragement) climbed to the top and rang the bell at the top of the tower!

And a lightbulb went off in my head. I looked back on all the other scary things I had completed during the summer: the high ropes, the wall, leap of faith, the zipline...and let's be real...leading a Bible study, taking care of kids, leading overnight camp...I could go on. Why was I always so controlled by my fear?

On the climbing tower, it wasn't the staff belaying me, cheering me on, and giving me advice that I didn't trust. After all, we are all a family, and I knew they would never let anything go wrong. It wasn't the equipment that I didn't trust. I'm probably even too trusting of the equipment. It wasn't even God that I didn't trust. I was pretty sure He wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

The person I didn't trust was ME.

After all, I'm the weak one...the one who's afraid of everything...the shy one...the one who will surely mess everything up...the one who will fail.

But, I learned something about myself on the climbing wall that day. I am so much stronger than I believe I am. But it's not me who is strong. No, I really am a scaredy cat! But, I have God's Spirit living inside me. "I may be weak, but His Spirit is strong in me," as the great song says. He makes me strong.

This is a lesson that goes far beyond the climbing tower or the leap of faith or high ropes. It applies to all of life. I can't let fear hold me back. And neither can you. That's the thing about fear. It keeps you from even trying. And you can't succeed if you don't try. And you can't follow God's will if you won't be obedient to try.

And you miss out on an awful lot of fun if you don't try. You know what happens after you reach the top of the climbing tower? You get to come back down! And it's super fun! You know what happens after you complete high ropes? You get to go down the zipline! And that's an amazing experience. You know what happens when you stay at summer camp instead of running away out of fear? You get to experience God in ways you never have before.

If I had given in to my fear, I would've never: been a member of a staff family that loves me unconditionally and pushes me always toward Christ, had the privilege of working with campers ages 6-19 and seeing God work in their lives, been used by the grace of God to lead several campers in a prayer to receive Christ as their Savior. I could go on forever (but let's be real, this blog post is already as long as a day of camp). The point is that I would've walked away from a treasure trove of growth, grace, laughter, tears, difficulties, and blessings.

And as I stand on the precipice of a new season of life in Raleigh, I know I can't run. Who knows the treasures that are waiting for me! I have to take a leap of faith and trust that the one who called me will also walk with me through every moment.

So this time, I won't miss out. You don't miss out. Don't miss out on all the amazing things God has planned for you to do and see and experience. Don't stand on the sidelines for fear of failing. You are stronger than you know because God's Spirit is living inside you. And you'll never know just how strong until you let go, jump off, live life a little. After all, God actually does His best work in the weak.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.